And so here we were again... Another year, another chance for gran to show us the damn home videos of us as kids... Usually I had my phone to scroll through Facebook so I didn't have to endure the "aww you're so cute!" But that had died and I didn't have a charger.. So here it goes. With help from my mum, the video goes in and starts playing. The rest of the family has their phones or their kids to distract them so its pretty much just me, mum and gran watching this. Uncle Dave offers to make tea, so he's out of the room. That was a good idea... Why didn't I think of that.
Its the usual stuff, blurry videos of half naked kids. And here comes half naked me... "Go play with your brother Ellie" mum says to the camera. I've basically walked on, seen mum recording and froze, hand in mouth, staring vacantly at the camera. And ironically enough im here in my grans living room doinb the same, hand in mouth (biting my nails always was a bad habit) wondering who exactly mum meant by "brother". I'm am only child, so perhaps she meant a close family friend. But I do as she says and totter over to this other kid.
In the living room mum must see my confused face. "Okay Iris, let's stop this video now..." "Mum, what did you mean by 'brother'" I ask. "Nothing, sweetie. Its just a phrase I used for your friend James" her eyes looked glossy, as in the kind of glossy when someone's upset. She was lying to me and not very well at that. "Mum, please be honest... Tell me what's going on". Uncle Dave has just returned with tea, to a room filled with stunned silence. All eyes are on mum. "I suppose it's time you knew" she starts. "When I was 16 I had a child. I named him James. But when he was 5, and you had just turned 1, we found out he was ill. He had cancer. This video was taken when you were about 2 and a bit and he.." Mum paused and just let the tears stream down her face. "He didn't last much past this video".
I'm upset by this story. But I'm also hurt that I've never known this... How could they keep this from me for nearly 14 years.- "Why am I finding out about this now? He was my brother, did you not think I needed to know!?" I scream across the room at my mother.
"Because, the more you knew, the more questions you'd ask. Can we drop it now, you know all you need to know". Mum stands up and straightens herself, wiping the tears from her face and drinking the tea Dave brought in. No one else in the room knows where to look, thy continue scrolling through phones and playing with their kids, pretending they're not fully enthralled with the conversation. Mum gets up to leave and I grasp her arm as she walks by.
"What are you not telling me?".
"You were the only chance we had to save him. But I said no. I didn't want you to go through so much pain and operations. I made a decision. And I don't regret it because it means I get one beautiful, untouched, healthy child. It was damn hard and I hope you never have to make that choice"
Stunned, I let go of her arm and she leaves the room.
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